“The once powerful mental obsession to use has diminished greatly, or perhaps, as one person in recovery expressed: “To use is no longer in my emotional vocabulary.”

                                                                          -Anonymous 

When God steps into your life, it often happens so subtly that you might not notice it at first.  While some people experience dramatic moments—like a flash of glory or the sound of trumpets announcing His presence—others feel God’s touch in quieter ways.  It might be a gentle yet firm voice saying, “Enough is enough. Your way isn’t working.  Now it’s time to do it My way.”

For me, my way hadn’t been working for years.  My mental obsession and physical compulsion with alcohol was destroying my life.  Like any good alcoholic, I had tried all the usual tricks to control my drinking: beer only, drinking just once a week, or white-knuckling it for three months to stay sober. None of these half-measures worked.  They only fed the illusion that I didn’t have a problem.

Even three serious car accidents didn’t wake me up—I just chalked it up to bad luck.  When I ended up in jail for driving drunk?  Another unlucky break, I thought.  Meanwhile, my home life was falling apart.  My wife was threatening to leave and take our three kids.  I’d plead my way back into her good graces, swear off drinking, but it never stuck.  Addiction is a family disease—it doesn’t just destroy the addict, it damages everyone around them.

Although I desperately wanted to be free of my addiction, I could never seem to find the way.  I’m reminded of Paul’s words in Romans 7:17-23:

“But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.” (The Message)

Eventually, God’s way led me to a bathroom floor, where I cried out the most powerful prayer I’ve ever prayed: three simple words, “God, help me.”  And He did.  He pulled me back from the edge of destruction.  And He can do the same for you if you are just willing to be willing.  So, please, let yourself be led to the help you need.  Jesus really cares.

If you’re still struggling, know that sometimes the most profound moments of change come from the simplest of prayers.  When you feel like you’re at the end of your rope, remember that God is there, ready to catch you, even in the quietest, most unexpected moments.  Your breakthrough might be just a prayer away.

I am so grateful to a loving God who sought me out and delivered me from a life of lies, deception, and debauchery into a world of hope and transformation.  Over time, my “stinking thinking” was replaced by deep reflection on Paul’s words in Romans 12:2:

“Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.” (The Message)

After my recovery, I was blessed on several occasions to be at the ocean on the anniversary of my sobriety.  During those times, I would stand on the beach at night, filled with awe and gratitude for the miraculous gift God had given me.

On October 3, 2021, while alone on the beach, really feeling the presence of God, I became inspired to compose the following poem:   

I knelt on that cold bathroom floor,
with tears and sobs, heart heavy, sore,
and prayed to a God I barely knew,
“Lift me up, make me new.”

They say that God will meet you there,
in your darkest hour, in deep despair,
to take away your stinging pain,
and shatter the illusions that remain.

I’d been to that place a million times,
lost in a race, tangled in crimes.

But then…

When I thought I’d lost that final race,
a loving God sought out my face,
and pulled me from that twisted rope,
gave me life, a newfound hope.

“Now I stand on solid ground,
far from the chains that once held me down.”
Thank You, Lord, for breaking me,
for bringing me to bended knee.

So Your grace could overflow,
and free me from the hounds below.
Horizons shift, and views can change,
in time with You, they rearrange.

To quiet the beasts that rage within,
and forgive even the deepest sin.

The sand that slips between my toes,
the scent of sea, the breeze that blows,
no sight on earth can quite compare,
to Your majesty, Your presence there.

I gaze upon the cresting waves,
and in Your arms, I find my place.

Recovery Resources

https://americanaddictioncenters.org/rehab-guide/12-step

https://www.aa.org/