“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.”

—Drs. Cloud and Townsend, from their book Boundaries

 

You want to live a better life, have better relationships, more effectively communicate your needs to others.  You find yourself floundering in a sea of doing what everyone else asks of you.  Is your self-esteem sinking?  Your self worth?  You can’t say no without feeling you’ve let someone down. 

 

Are you a people pleaser?  Do you avoid conflict?   Constantly looking for the approval of others?

 

If any of the above resonate with you, you might want to take a look at setting some healthy boundaries  for your life.  

 

Because I abhor conflict,  at one time I would have done almost anything to avoid it.  And gaining the approval of others was very important to me….Oh, how I loved that.  I knew I had needs but didn’t know how to express them.  Often the result was me meeting the needs of others while betraying my own needs.  Not a good way to live.

  

I had no healthy boundaries.  As a result, the boundaries I had set were easily crossed without a second thought.  Why?  I guess because I made them that way.  Made life easier, I thought.  But making boundaries without any real value system makes it impossible to get your needs met in any healthy, meaningful way. 

 

Do you long to have healthy boundaries in your life but don’t know how to set them? 

 

• Do you dream of having your needs met but can’t identify them?
• If you have identified your needs, how do you get them met?
• Can you say no to harmful situations or those who have controlled or abused you?
• Do you long to be more YOU?
• Do you do anything to avoid conflict?
• Do you seek the approval of others?
• Do your fear abandonment and separateness?
• Do you have fear of someone else’s anger?
• Do you feel unspiritual?

 

As you read about the above questions, do any of them reach out and grab you?  If so, this post is for you.

 

Identifying Your Needs

 

How to Identify Your Needs…

 

James 3:17 tell us that “….the wisdom that comes from Heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”

 

Write them Down

 

A good way to begin to identify your needs is to write them down.  Find a comfortable, quiet place.  Get settled in with no distractions. 

 

Sometimes sitting in a wooded area, surrounded by God’s creation, is where I can find the right words to find the true me.  

 

If indoors, I often find it helpful to have some relaxing music playing softly in the background.   Maybe a candle lit and a cup of coffee or tea.  

 

Okay…..Let’s Get Going!

 

First, take a sheet of paper, your journal or whatever it is you write in and draw a line a down the middle of the page.  Next, say a prayer, asking God to help you in knowing your true needs.  Then listen as he brings you to a place where you sense some clarity of what those needs are.  Then write them down.  Some examples might be:

 

• I need to feel wanted and important to some one or something
• I need to be able to say what I really think.
• I need to not be controlled or manipulated by people or situations
• I need to be able to say NO.
• I need to be unafraid of what others may think of me.

 

After identifying your needs, go to the right side of the line you drew, list how you are getting those needs met now.  Be forthright and honest in your appraisal.  Some examples might be:

 

• I say what I think people want me to say and act the way I think they want me to act.
• I fear I will be rejected or make someone angry if I voice an opinion different to what others have stated.
• I feel weak when I allow others to exercise control over me and I allow it anyway.  
• I rarely say no because of the fear I might lose the relationship with someone I care about.
• I am afraid to be myself for fear others won’t like the real me.

 

Looking At Your Values

 

After you’ve completed the identifying needs sections, put your paper aside and on another page, list the things you value in life. 

 

This can be a little tough as some of us were brought up in homes that lacked any sense of important values.  This exercise is not a blame game on our upbringing.  I did a lot of unhealthy things in raising my children but I try very hard to live in the present.  Just try to simply put down what you value today.  If it gets too difficult, leave it and come back to it later.  No worries.  I’ve listed a few of my values below as examples to get you going.

 

My values today are:

• Being honest in all my relationships
• Being a person of integrity
• Being fair to all
• Being appropriate in all situations
• Being a person who brings glory to God
• Being compassionate to others
• Being non-judgmental 

 

 

Do you find your values in conflict with the way you get your needs met?  Do they conflict with certain behaviors?  Maybe your answer is YES…..they conflict but you just can’t seem to apply them in your relationships with others or other situations? 

 

When my value system doesn’t line up with my behavior, I feel really guilty.  I get all consumed with self-doubt and l feel less than a valued human being.  I pray to God to relieve me of this.  To help me live out my values in a meaningful way that will both honor myself and him.  

Philippians 4:19 says, “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”

 

Your behavior should reflect both your needs and your values. 

 

Now, here’s the deal.  I’m going to list some things we don’t need to do if we want to create a life that contains healthy boundaries.   Learning to deal with them in a healthy way will be a life saver for you.  

 

Guess What?  You Do Not Have To:

 

• pretend to agree with everyone.
• feel responsible for other people’s feelings.
• apologize often
• feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at you.
• act like the people around you
• always avoid conflict
• never admit when your feelings are hurt
• be a people pleaser

For a fuller and more detailed explanation of these, click this link.

 

Easier said than done, right?  Yep.  It does take courage to want to align your values up with your needs and behavior.  However, If you’ve read this far, you’ve got the desire to pursue getting your needs met. 

 

We all have needs and we want them met in healthy ways.  Even Jesus had boundaries.  For a more in depth look at them, click here

 

 

How To Set Healthy Boundaries?

 

1.  Identify the need                                                                                                                                                -find a healthy way to get that need met.         

2.  Identify how it is unmet by current behaviors                                                                                                -eliminate unhealthy ways you get your needs met.  (YOU CAN DO IT!)

3.  Take in and receive the good                                                                                                                             -learn how to respond to and receive love.   (YOU’RE WORTH IT!)

4.  Practice boundary skills                                                                                                                                  -practice these skills (like saying “No”) in situations where they will be honored and  respected.  Role play with trusted friends or loved ones.

“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

5.  Say no to the bad                                                                                                                                              -avoid hurtful situations or people who have controlled/abused you in the past until you have practiced your boundary skills and are strong.

“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways.”  Proverbs 22:22-25

6.  Respond-don’t react                                                                                                                                          -if someone is able to cause havoc in you by doing or saying something, they are in control of you and your boundaries are lost.  When you respond, you remain in control with options and choices.

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  Isaiah 41:10

7.  Learn to love in freedom and responsibility, not in guilt .                                                                               -the best boundaries are loving ones and that allow you the freedom to love.

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free.  But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.  For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command; Love your neighbor as yourself.”  Galatians 5:13-14  

8.  Read the book Boundaries                                                                                                                              -by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend-this is the foremost recognized text on boundaries.  Pick it up from your local library or find it in most bookstores or online.  

9.  Consider a church group or a therapy group                                                                                                    -there are some church groups that offer classes on boundary setting and many of them use the book Boundaries.   Consider a support group or therapy group.  Most communities have groups that would help those seeking to find their true self.  Seek them out.   

10. Study God’s word                                                                                                                                            -no better way to find the answers to living the life you want than reading and studying the Bible.  My favorite sections are Psalms and Proverbs.  In Psalms you can lament your troubles to the Lord and Proverbs will give you great advice in how to live your life.  

 

   

 Resources: 

• Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend 
• Jesus Set Boundaries by Bill Gaultiere, soulshepherding.org
• 10 Signs You’re A People Pleaser by Amy Morin, psychologytoday.com