.….as I told my secrets, they lost
some of their power over me, and I
wasn’t so afraid to be known….
-J Keith Miller
Commentary on James 5:16
How I Knew I Had Really Been Forgiven
I sensed that my friend was in trouble when a few years ago he told me that his ventures into pornography were becoming more frequent. He expressed concern that his drinking was escalating and that he had been visiting some “Gentlemen’s Clubs.”
I sensed the shame he was enduring as he talked. I was genuinely afraid for him. He had relapsed several times but always seemed to bounce back. This time he was headed further down a self-destructive path.
I knew he could not live the life he wanted and effect a successful recovery while continuing to carry this burden. Fearing he would be consumed by a greater darkness, I intervened.
As we talked more, a question arose in my mind. Some deeper secret was behind the increase in his recent behaviors. I hesitated for a while, tossing the question around in my head. And then, convinced that it needed to be asked, I blurted out, “Are you having an affair?”
I will never forget that moment. He had this look of incredulity and was clearly taken aback by my question.
He said, “Are you really asking me that?” He repeated that question several times, like he couldn’t believe I had asked it.
“Are you?”, I asked again. After a few minutes, he nodded his head, “Yeah.” I didn’t know what to do next. His family had known of his addiction, of his attempts at recovery and of his relapses. They had been supportive and encouraging.
What would this discovery do to them?
Here was a man of strong faith , a believer in Jesus and of the Christian way of life. A man who valued truth and honesty and one who knew the harm of living with his secrets.
His marriage, his career, his entire life’s work was suddenly in danger of being threatened. I questioned myself. Do I dare challenge him? Can I?
I decided. “You need to tell your wife about the affair”, I said. He drew back, saying he didn’t see how he could do that. “If you don’t do it, I will”, I told him.
He expressed anger about my willingness to break confidentiality. I knew he was right, that I would be breaching confidentiality.
But at that moment I saw a man drowning in sin and knew no other way to keep him from being sucked completely into some devilish undertow.
I did not feel good about what I had done. I betrayed my brother’s confidence. I was distraught. I was not a Judas. Or was I?
I went home and wept, feeling unsure of my decision. I felt extreme guilt, an all consuming guilt that fed into my insecurities and my shame.
My friend made the difficult decision to tell his wife and family. This was the beginning of many consequences he would face: his marriage would end in divorce, his job and career was lost, his livelihood was taken from him.
He was a shattered and broken man.
It was then, as if God had intervened (I feel certain he did), that he began to take the road to redemption. He started to pursue his recovery with vigorous determination.
Amidst his tears and despair, he set himself on following God’s way in rebuilding his life. As a result, he found a renewed trust that God would do for him what he could not do for himself.
It was a tough time for him but by the grace of God he did put his life back together. After several years, he and his former wife reunited in marriage. The day of their reconciling was such a joyous occasion for all.
He rebuilt his career by reimagining his passion for helping others to find hope and peace in Jesus. He is an example of what God can do if we have trust and faith in him.
Far surpassing the admiration I have for my friend, is the gratitude I have for what he did for me:
He Forgave Me
Never have I known a greater forgiveness. I have no doubt that this was a divine expression of how God’s love helped him work through the anger and resentment of my betrayal to extend a great and lasting forgiveness to me.
Many people question how they know if they have forgiven someone.
But the bigger question to me is how do you know what it truly feels like to be the one forgiven?
How do I know my friend has truly forgiven me?
Well, for one, he has never brought it up. So that is a big one, right? If it is ever mentioned, it is expressed as me having done the right thing. How amazing.
Writing these words makes me weep. When he got newly baptized and rededicated his life to Christ, he requested that I join him in the pool.
What an amazing gift to me?
A year later when I was having marital conflicts, he offered me a room in his home for several weeks.
Who does this to a man who literally caused him to suffer greatly? And who treats you with hugs, love and respect every time you are together?
I know of not many.
My friend exemplifies the great power of a very generous God, who can take our lives and fashion them into loving, whole human beings. Today I know he loves me unconditionally. He accepts me at my best and worst. I know this in my heart.
I am confident that he wishes me no harm, that he has let go of any need to get even. Today he expresses joy in our relationship and prays goodness to surround me. He finds no joy in any trouble that befalls me.
In fact, he would be among the first to offer me help. These are not the positions taken by one who has not forgiven.
These are acts of a God of forgiveness. These are the acts of a true friend.
